i can't sleep anymore.

i just.. don't get tired.
last 'night' i went to bed at 3 45am.
the night before that, almost 5.
and the night before that i was awake when my neighbors were leaving for work.
the sun was coming up.
but, i don't feel tired at all.
i feel exhausted,
but not tired.
i just..
can't make myself go to sleep anymore.
so much on my mind.





i think i'm pregnant again.
if this is true,
i would be 6 months along.
how else can we explain the kicking coming from my stomach?
it's been going on for nearly 2/3 months now..
what do i do?

my place of comfort.

do i really have one?
i listen to people all the time,
talking about how they love to curl up in their favorite chair,
under an open window and read a book.
(a mug of coffee next to them, of course.)
i'm not sure what i do for comfort.
i suppose i should find something?
lately i have been listening to a great deal of
classical music.
a break from my usual,
hard-rock,
screamo,
wailing guitar music.



i also, need to pick up drawing again.
maybe one day i will share artwork.
but, i miss my realm.
getting lost in thought,
my sketchbook as the map and my pencil as the flashlight.
i bought a wooden mannequin today, hopefully he'll help motivate me to draw.
i really do hope so.
i haven't drawn anything in weeks.
and i actually had talent.

i think;

the problem with me is that
i don't know what i want out of life.
and because i don't know what i want,
or where i want to be,
or where i want to go,
i make bad, reckless decisions.
and tend to regret them.
i can't tell if i learn anything or not;
all i know is that i really need to pull myself together
develop some dreams, perhaps.
travel to italy,
or open an art studio in new york..
yeah, that would be nice..

so, this is where it starts.

i am officially a mrs.
it's good.
better than good, or just good?
i don't know.
but right now i am happy.
very happy..
i wonder how long it will last?
hopefully forever. i want to last forever.
but i'm so young,
i don't even know what forever means.

hello.

hello.
my name is katie.
i am seventeen.
my life is crazy.
crazier than most.
i'm not average,
i'm not noticed,
and i am not me.
i don't know who i am.
i hope to use this blog as a diary, of sorts.
post whatever i am feeling.
and hopefully begin a journey,
of self-discovery..