haven't posted in a while.

what's going on in my life? hmm...
getting my ged, applying on fafsa?, working on my portfolio,
using tumblr a lot, planning a road trip, getting my permit/license,
stalking tattoo parlors, cheated on my husband (which he was aware of), adding to my life experiences,
wanting to dye my hair turquoise, wanting to fall in love with someone, writing poetry,
being jealous, attending church like a hypocrite, running on the treadmill,
hating my scretchmarks, watching lots of family guy, living off leftover pizza...
and so, so much more...

wishing

i wish i wasn't so afraid of death,
i would have taken my life by now.
i have gotten so close, so many times..
just standing there, method of choice in my hand.
i'm pathetic.

i hate how it smells when it rains here.
in chicago, it was a fresh, earthy smell.
here it smells like fish.
but, the sunsets after a rainy day are breathtaking..

moved in.

so, i'm "all" moved in now.
we don't have any furniture, so we have been sleeping on the floor and sharing the same pillow and blanket. it kinda sucks.
my favorite room in the house is the kitchen. its small and tacky, but i think how it's closed in.
i go in there and sit on the counter and draw.
the area here is beautiful..
beach is only three miles away, neighbors are nice and friendly,
it rains a lot and nearly everyday is overcast.
for now, i love it.

leaving so soon?

moving to a new state, a new town, a new place.
beach life, love life, home life goodbye.
baby number two on the way?
in less than two weeks, my life is going to change.
dramatically.
i wonder..

i am so tired, so exhausted
from living my life that it's literally making me sick.
i have no appetite whatsover,
and when i do eat i just throw it up.
i can't sleep anymore,
and when i do sleep i don't drift into sleep until almost 6am, and usually get only 2-3 hrs of rest.
why would all of this happen to me?
i do believe that your actions are the cause behind your consequence,
and obviously all that has happened to me is my fault,
but why?
why can't i just once, just ONCE
hear the words 'i love you' roll off of someones tongue,
and believe it,
and know that they mean it?
why can't i walk down the street, and feel proud of myself,
willing to let people look upon me,
instead of staying inside as much as possible?
why can't i just like myself?
why do i have to be so paranoid?
why can't someone save me?
why.. why..
why can't i fall in love?




why can't it all just go away?

the best little guy anyone could ever ask for:

bath time for baby.

recent pic of him. he just turned one on the 21st.

josiah at ed debevic's, greatest restaurant in the world.